Dear AB

Dear AB is a largely fictitious advice column that employs a familiar newspaper format to deliver witty grammar and punctutation tidbits to the astral student body. It's also an ongoing project, so be sure to check in regularly for updates. If you actually HAVE a question for Dear AB, send it along.

Dear AB, My English instructor is accusing me of COMMA SPLICING! What on earth is that? It sounds vaguely genetic, but i swear I've never knowingly modified so much as a single strand of DNA in my life! --Splice of Life.

Dear Splice of Life, Comma splicing, I shudder to tell you, is the unholy union that occurs when two innocent sentences (independent clauses) are joined together using...a comma. "I like my ice cream cone." and "That cougar over there likes my ice cream cone too." are two sentences. When you yoke them together with a comma ("I like ice cream, that cougar over there likes my ice cream cone too.") you have committed the heinous crime of comma splicing! To make things right you have two choices: keep the sentences chastely separated by periods or call upon our friend the mighty semi-colon for help. Whereas a comma splice is a terrible union, the marriage of two sentences by semi-colon ("I like ice cream; that cougar over there likes ice cream too") is smiled upon by the gods of grammar. COMMA SPLICES ARE THE PROBLEM. THE SEMI COLON IS THE SOLUTION. Now, throw your cone at the big kitty and run on home.

Dear AB, Apostrophe's are driving me crazy! Its funny, but every time I sit down to write, theyre just popping out of my pen's like nobodys busines's. S'ave me! --Apostrolyp's Now

Dear Apostrolypse, You may well be beyond the reach of my outstretched hand, but I'll do what I can. There are only two reasons to contemplate the use of an apostrophe: A) to indicate possession ("Ed's Quarterhorse") or B) a contraction ("isn't house-trained"). That's it. There's only one exception: . Why 99% of the population regularly misuses this inoffensive 'levitating comma' is a question well beyond the scope of this column to answer. Only last week, I wandered into the produce department of my local grocery store and found myself surrounded by hand-written signs reading 'Apple's 99 cents/lb'. and 'Carrot's $1.99/bag'! When I relayed my concerns to the department manager, he looked at me as though I had a screw loose. The next day, I came back with my trusty jar of white-out and he called the police. Some people don't want to know the truth; I hope you're not one of them.

Dear AB, How do you use 'who' and 'whom' properly? Whenver I try to ease a tentative 'whom' into a paper, I fall into a tailspin of uncertainty and self-loathing. --Horton Hears a Whom

Dear Horton, In true Dr. Seuss spirit, the answer to your question might best be phrased in nursery rhyme form for ease of remembering:

Who is for 'she' and 'him' goes with whom

Remember this rule and you'll be writing well soon

For example, let's say that you're confused about how to phrase the following question: "Who/m should I pepper spray?" The answer to this question might well be a pointed finger and the word "Him." Since 'him' (and 'her') go with 'whom', the proper construct is "Whom should I pepper spray?". It's a nifty rule to bring to the proofreading table and always works. It's worth noting, however, that language is a very fluid thing, and this sort of phrasing, while correct, sometimes comes across as archaic. My money's on 'whom' going the way of the dodo in the next fifty years or so.

Dear AB, I seem, to either, use too many, commas, or too few, it's always feast, or, famine around here.--Kootenay Comma-kaze

Dear Comma-kaze, Okay, this is bad. Try not to panic as I begin triage. Commas are the most popular punctuation mark and the most misused. A good starting point for trying to rein in your use would be to follow the dictum, 'if you pause when reading it out loud, there should probably be a comma there.' This is not a complete answer, of course, but should serve to staunch the flow of ink until we can get matters under control. For a more complete answer, I'm afraid you're going to have to spend some time, perhaps a very long time, in the chilly depths of the Writing Centre's Commatorium. More about this soon.